Perfect Dark Zero: Not So Perfect!


Perfect Dark Zero is a video game out exclusively for the XBox 360. It stars an undercover spy / bounty hunter named Joanna Dark and in many ways the game is a spoof of James Bond. The game doesn't take itself too seriously and a lot of the characters are very one-dimensional as well as a little camp in their behaviour. In one of the game's levels Joanna has to infiltrate a laboratory using as much stealth as possible without alerting the guards. Most of the guards are female and wear single piece bullet proof clothing so it takes quite a few shots to take them down. Even though they're female the campness of their personalies completely show through and very often it's worth alerting the guards and hide out of sight just to overhear their conversations.

With this story I thought I would begin with Joanna Dark being spotted and the guards giving chase, but instead of her defeating them she loses her cool giving up completely and breaking down. What will the guards' reaction be?

The story is told in first-person taken from one of the DataDyne guard's point of view. I've use a little artistic license in Joanna Dark's personality making her less brave yet more devious.


Chapter 1:

I yawned loudly while my posterior grew ever more numb against the hard plastic seat I was sitting on. Shifting my position slightly to get more blood flow to my cheeks I continued to stare ahead. The guards' room was cramped to say the least with fifteen of us waiting, ready to take down an enemy at a mere moment's notice. There were plenty of male guards on patrol that walked up and down the gangways in the laboratory, keeping the scientists safe, and making them feel secure. But we were real guard, the elite, highly trained for battle, yet we were cramped in a little room like sardines. We even smelled too under our tight padded bodysuits giving us the need to shower at the end of each shift. This only made things worse however when putting our sweaty suits back on and getting covered with someone else's body odour. It was rare that the suits were ever cleaned.

"You could do with a coffee," said Leena one of my fellow guards.

I looked up at her as she smiled back at me.

"Oh, thank you but I'm full," I said, "I've had eight cups already."

She sat down in the plastic seat on the opposite side of the table and took a breath.

"I know what you mean," she said, "And we don't want to get full bladders. It's difficult enough to pay a visit to the ladies' room whilst wearing these damn things as it is."

"Well if you ever need a helping hand such as someone to unzip you then just give me a shout," I said.

"Thank you," she said before grinning widely.

I gazed my eyes around the room. The plain white walls were covered with peeling paint, and the single light in the centre of the ceiling was coated with God knows what giving it a dim glow. Even the coffee machine was on its last legs and vibrated loudly every so often.

Suddenly the intruder alarm sounded filling the room with a flashing red light as well as a deafening high pitched honking noise.

"At last!" I yelled before picking up my helmet and shooting glasses.

There was a scramble as all fifteen of us tried to squeeze out through the single door.

"Stop touching me," someone said with a whiny tone.

"One at a time, please," said someone else.

We were more Keystone Cops than elite guards as we tumbled over one another.


Chapter 2:

After the minute we wasted trying to get out of the door we organised ourselves then spread out seeking the intruder.

"Where did the alarm originate?" Someone asked.

"Down here!" A scientist yelled out from the floor below, "I saw her sneaking around large as life! It was her! Joanna Dark!"

I released the safety catch on my pulse rifle. She wasn't someone to be trifled with.

"We're on shoot to kill, everyone!" I said firmly.

I rushed over to the lift to join the scientists on the floor below but as I arrived I noticed the controls had been smashed apart. There was also a male guard laying unconscious beside it. I crouched down to see how he was. I found men to be kind of, you know, eeewww, but I still needed to make sure he was alright.

It suddenly occurred to me that Joanna may have planned this right from the start and was leading us into a trap. She may have set off the alarm on purpose.

"Take care everyone!" I yelled, "Remember she's ruthless!"

I stood up and ran over to the electronic door beside the lift. It was already open, Joanna must have stolen the male guard's keycard. With caution I entered the room that led to a set of steps leading to the laboratory on the floor below. Some of my fellow elite guards followed me and we all quietly crept over to the steps. One of my fellow guards pointed her finger toward a ventilation shaft and its cover that had been removed. Clearly Joanna must have been sneaking around inside it. I raised my gun at the ready then very slowly crept forward. The chances were that she was long gone and was likely on the other side of the laboratory by now, but I still felt uneasy as though we were being led into a trap.

"Remain calm and remember your training," I silently whispered to myself.

Suddenly I was face down on the floor as a gun fired at almost point blank range. The bang caused my ears to ring and it wasn't until I attempted to get up that I realised I had been shot. The pain in my right buttock throbbed as I crawled over to my fellow guards under the fire fight of pulse rifles shooting at the empty ventilator.

"My derriere!" I shrieked, "The bitch shot me in the arse!"

"Where is she?" Said one of the guards, "I can't see her!"

"She's not in the vent she's somewhere behind us!" Yelled another.

It took me a moment to stand up then I hopped my way out of the room.

"She shot me, why would she do that? I didn't do anything!" I moaned in a winy tone as the pain throbbed.

"I'll take a look at it," Leena said as she rushed over to my side.

"Please do," I replied.


Chapter 3:

I spent the next two hours having my bum examined and prodded before I was able to continue with my duties. It was a good job we wore bullet proof clothing otherwise it would have been a lot worse. My entire right arse cheek was a throbbing bruise and I knew it would get a lot worse before it got better.

"Where is that bitch?" I said, "I'm going to teach her a lesson she'll never forget!"

"Take is easy," Leena said, "The last place she was seen was down in the basement and there's no way she'll escape from there, she's completely trapped."

"Good," I responded, "Tell everyone to aim for her arse before shooting her dead!"

I hobbled my way down the corridor with Leena at my side. She promised to massage my buttock later with sensual oils, but I couldn't look forward to it until Joanna was dealt with. It had never taken us so long to catch an intruder before, she was cunning. Something then popped into my mind. Maybe she wasn't in the basement like everyone thought. Maybe she just wanted us to think she was. She could have been setting another trap.

"You go on ahead," I told Leena, "I'll rest up here a while."

She turned and faced me.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked.

"Just kill that bitch for me," I said, "I'll be okay."

Leena smiled at me before rushing ahead to join the other guards at the entrance of the basement. I decided to search elsewhere in the laboratory.


Chapter 4:

I had no idea what Joanna Dark was searching for, none of the scientists were doing anything she could be interested in. But even so, I decided to head down the steps leading to the main laboratory. The scientists had already evacuated and the lights had been switched out but it was still possible that she could have been lurking around in search of something.

The glow of light from above the steps was the only thing that illuminated the main laboratory so if she had been down there she would need night-vision goggles. I wished I had had a pair with me. With caution I moved around while listening intently to hear her breathing, but the sound of a bubbling science experiment in the corner was making that difficult. I soon realised what I was doing was pointless so decided to leave.

I was feeling hot and my uniform was sticking to me causing me to itch in the most intimate parts of my body. I needed a shower. I climbed back up the steps and back to the guards' room. As I entered I placed down my rifle then removed my helmet and shooting glasses. I left the room and headed for the showers.


Chapter 5:

I stood motionless in fear as I saw someone crouched down in front the bathroom. It was her, Joanna Dark. She was a ruthless killer and I was unarmed. All the other guards were searching the basement. I had no idea what to do. Something unexpected then happened. She raised her hands above her head then kicked her pistol toward me. She was surrendering! It was very likely a trap but I was out of options. I had to call her bluff and hope for the best.

"Okay don't you move. We've got you surrounded!" I said sounding as tough as I could.

I sounded more menacing than I thought and was impressed with myself.

I took a few tentative steps closer to her and stood by her pistol that was laying on the floor. Keeping my eyes firmly fixated upon her I bent down and picked up the gun. Something didn't seem right about her. I had never met her in person before and only knew her by reputation, but the person standing before me appeared pathetic, not like a tough girl but more like a wimp.

"Please don't hurt me," she said in barely a whisper as her cheeks reflected with dried tears.

I pressed the button of the electronic panel beside me opening the door to the bathroom. I waved my hand indicating for her to enter. I followed behind then closed the door. My intention was to shoot her directly in the arse before deciding what to do next.

The bathroom was similar in size to the guard's room. It contained three shower cubicles, as well as three toilets and a row of inappropriate urinals which we used as waste bins. There was also a row of shared lockers containing left over uniforms.

"Stand still," I said.

She stood still and faced me.

I removed the magazine from her pistol and counted the bullets. Out of 15 only 1 had been fired.

"Don't you recognise me?" I asked her.

She shook her head which caused tears to splash from her face.

"You shot me at almost point blank range in the arse," I told her.

He body started to shake juggling her exposed midriff and cute tummy button. She bent forward covering her hands over her mouth looking as though she was about to puke. She made a very peculiar sound as if trying to force back her fear.

"I'm sorry!" She cried out, "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. I panicked."

I placed down her pistol on top of one of the lockers then unzipped my clothing. I lowered the uniform below my waist revealing my underwear to her.

"Take a look at this," I said as I pulled my panties to one side revealing my bruised right buttock.

She stared intensely.

"While our uniforms are capable of stopping a bullet it doesn't mean we don't feel it," I told her in a firm tone, "And I assure you it hurts, and it'll get a lot worse before it gets better."

She took an unexpected step closer causing me to jump. There was no way I could defend myself with my uniform halfway down my legs. She noticed my reaction and stood still while I quickly reclothed myself.

"I'm here on a recon mission," she said, "I wasn't meant to shoot anyone. I was supposed to search this lab then leave without anyone knowing I was here, but when the alarm sounded I panicked."

I was confused momentarily by her use of the word lab, she obviously meant laboratory. I shook my head to remove the image from my mind.

I finished zipping myself up and took a few steps closer to her.

"There is a shoot to kill alert for you," I said, "By all rights I'm supposed to kill you."

"Are you, erm, still intending to?" She asked.

I took a deep intake of breath while deciding what to do, then smelled something gross waft up my nose.

"Oh my God what is that?!" I said as I held my nose, "Did you... did you mess?"

She nodded then began to cry again.


Chapter 6:

This certainly wasn't the Joanna Dark I had heard so much about. Her reputation was completely false. Instead of a ruthless killer who would let no one stand in her way, she was a big sissy! I couldn't believe how pathetic she was.

I tutted to myself loudly before wrapping my arms around her while she cried like a baby. I was annoyed with myself that I couldn't exact my revenge against her by shooting her in the arse, but there was no way I could shoot someone so distraught. She was likely suffering from shell-shock. After all the years of being a tough action hero everything had finally caught up with her.

The smell from her behind was still wafting around so I had to stop our embrace.

"Eeeewww, erm, um, you're going to have to take a shower," I said.

She nodded her head.

"Okay, she said nervously, "Are you still intending... to kill me?"

"Just get in the shower and we'll decide that later," I said.

In fact I had no idea what to do with her. We never took prisoners, it wasn't what we were trained for.

I turned my back while Joanna began to remove her clothing. I still remembered her pistol on top of the locker in case I needed to get to it in a hurry. It then occured to me that she may have a concealed weapon so I turned back to face her. She was already near naked apart from her smelly soiled panties. She stared at me for a while and realised I wasn't going to turn away again. She then proceeded to remove the rest of her clothing.

I turned on the shower for her and placed my hand underneath to check it was hot. She stepped inside and began to clean herself by rubbing her hand down between her buttocks. The water turned brown causing me to gag.

"Urgh," I said, "This is kinda gross. I'll be waiting by the door, just don't try anything."

"Please don't mock me," she said with a tremble in her voice, "I'm embarrassed enough already!"

I picked up a towel ready for when she was finished.


Chapter 7:

It wasn't too long before she had cleaned herself. I was tempted to give her a close examination then changed my mind. I handed her the towel and she began wiping herself. I made a mental note not to use that particular towel ever again but with them all being white it would be difficult to tell which was which.

"Put these on," I said as I went over to one of the lockers and removed one of our spare uniforms.

She gave me a puzzled look.

"The guards will shoot you on sight and I've no desire to watch you get your head blown off," I said, "I'm going to help you escape."

"Um, thank you," she said.

I quickly handed her the uniform and she began putting it on.

"You're nothing like I expected you to be," I told her, "I imagined you far more butch, but you're nothing like that are you? You're kinda cute."

I rushed over to her and got ready to zip her up.

"Be careful not to catch anything," I said, "Are you all tucked in properly?"

She nodded in response. With one pull I zipped up the front of her uniform.

"Now let's get you outta here," I said.


Chapter 8:

The rest of the elite guard were still searching the basement, while the scientists were hiding, so it was easy to get Joanna to the main elevator without being spotted. As we entered I pressed the button and the lift began to ascend. Technically speaking the entire complex was a basement due to it being underground, but we were soon to be on the genuine ground level and Joanna would have her freedom.

"Thank you," she said to me as we waited in the lift, "I really lost it back there, I owe you my life."

"Don't mention it," I replied, "Just, well... let's hope we don't bump into each other again. I may not have the opportunity to be nice next time."

She gave me a brief hug.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"I think it'd be best if I never tell you," I replied.

"But you are the head of your unit?" She said.

I stared at her.

"How did you know that?" I asked.

The lift door opened and I was faced with a large group of Joanna's pals all fully armed and aiming for me.

"Sorry," she said, "There was no other way to take you prisoner."

"You... you manipulative bitch!" I said as I gasped.



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