25th September '15 - A Vampire's Tale.

This is a very bad movie but I thought I'd give it a mention anyway. I love bad movies, some of my favourite vampire movies are low budget DVDs that I purchased from the local pound shop, but this movie was proper bad. There only appeared to be one proper vampire in it, and he didn't bite anyone.

I rented it through the PS4 movie store. It cost 14 to keep or 4 to rent, so it wasn't cheap and I didn't expect a low budget movie for that price. The first thing I noticed was the one star rating that someone had left on the movie download page, but I went ahead and rented the movie anyway.

The story is essentially about a T-shirt wearing cowboy vampire who is hunting another vampire named Lilith who bit and turned him hundreds of years earlier. He's seeking revenge. Lilith however is the original first woman alive, the woman before Eve, and can only be killed by being stabbed through the heart with Adam's rib. I thought it was a clever twist on the usual vampire plots and a totally original story. There's also a mirror that has something to do with how the cowboy and Lilith arrived but it's not discussed enough.

There are humans who get caught up with what's taking place and the cowboy decides to use a teenage girl named Rachel as bait. He doesn't captivate her under his charismatic spell as the synopsis of the movie describes, she's his prisoner. Rachel was also shot in the leg and has a gaping bloody wound causing her to sometimes walk using a stick as a crotch, while at other times walks and runs without even a slight limp.

The cowboy vampire has vampire fangs yet Lilith doesn't. She is seen licking blood and biting the cowboy in flashback sequences so I'm sure she must be a vampire too.

A huge chunk of the movie, after all the action has taken place, consists of the cowboy and Rachel hiding within a barn discussing Lilith and her origins. It's a good idea to watch with subtitles on during this sequence as it's difficult to know what either of them are saying. For some reason the sound quality of scenes taking place within the barn is simply bad.

Another oddity to note is Rachel insulted Lilith by calling her useless fairly early on within the movie. There is no other dialogue whatsoever between them. For all Rachel knew the cowboy could have simply been a psycho killer making the entire thing up. He was the one shooting people after all, I've no idea why she believed anything he said.

I rated this movie a one star. The plot idea was brilliant, and I love the Adam and Lilith reference. But the script didn't really hit any of the goals that a true horror movie should have. It wasn't scary, it wasn't thought provoking and didn't make me jump. The only reason the movie was 18 rated because of the very brief nudity of Lilith's breasts and Adam's cock. Incidentally this movie is sometimes called Umbrage: The First Vampire, so be sure to avoid it.

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