Red Dwarf: Hospital Ship


Set during series X this story tells the tale of a damaged, get deadly killer droid simulant, as he attempts to get repairs aboard a hospital ship. Little does he realise though that the crew of Red Dwarf are also aboard with Lister receiving emergency treatment for his appendicitis. The simulant would enjoy nothing more than to wipe them all out but cannot do anything about it until he's fully repaired.

The story is written from the simulant's point of view.


Chapter 1:

My mind wasn't what it once was and I was sure I had grown weary with old age as I continued to search the galaxy for humans just for the sake of killing them for my own enjoyment. Yet, over the millennia I had grown to realise human beings were becoming scarce and I was likely to die of boredom anytime soon. Maybe it was time to power down but I still felt the urge to continue, for a while at least, so decided to pilot my little ship to the nearest hospital ship to get some much needed maintenance and possible a tune up.

Once I arrived I docked my ship in the hanger bay and stepped out then made my way to the automated control panel to discuss my medical needs.

"Welcome to Space Valley Hospital," the triage nurse on the screen said, "Please state the nature of your medical requirements."

"My power pack is low, my joints need to be re-greased and I need a new zoom motor for my left eye," I said.

"You need engineering," was the response from the nurse, "This hospital is for the treatment of human beings only. You'll have to go round back."

"What human beings they are practically extinct?!" I moaned.

The control panel automatically flicked itself off.

"Dam it!" I said before heading back to my ship.


Chapter 2:

Something caught my interest the moment I flew my little ship out of the docking bay. I stared toward it with wonder as the thought of killing humans whetted my appetite. There was a ship, a very large one too, coming into the view in the distance. No doubt they were on their way to the hospital ship. Not only could I gain pleasure from doing battle with them but I could also take their ship. However I was still in no fit state to do battle and was in need of repair first.

I continued to pilot my small ship around the hospital ship towards its other docking bay at the back and only hoped the humans hadn't detected me. With as little power as possible, using minimal thrust, I entered the back of the hospital ship and landed.

"Welcome to Space Valley Hospital," the image of a engineer on the control panel screen said as I left my ship and approached, "Please state the nature of your repair requirements."


Chapter 3:

It was a number of hours before my repairs were complete and I hoped my human prey hadn't already left. The instant I was operational I made my way further into the hospital, from the engineering section at the back, to the human wards at the front. I couldn't risk going by ship in case they were alerted to my presence so I sneaked around by crawling within the air vents. It wasn't long before I heard voices.

"You really are a lifesaver Kryten," a voice said, "A real Florence Nighting Droid. The others don't care they way you do."

"Oh that is not true sir," someone with a robotic voice said in reply, "Mr Rimmer is speaking to the doctor at this precise moment, and the cat is, well, doing what cats do."

There was them a mumble of someone in pain.

"Are you sure it's appendicitis?" The first voice said.

"I'm certain," was the reply.

"But I've had my appendix out, so how can I have appendicitis?" The first voice said.

"Don't be silly sir," said the other voice, "You can't regrow an appendix. You couldn't have already had it out. You must have imagined it while drunk perhaps."

It would be much more fun to do battle with all of them at the same time, more pleasure in numbers, so I decided to wait before revealing myself. Instead I continued crawling through the air vent looking for the others they mentioned and gauge how tough they were.


Chapter 4:

Eventually after many hours of creeping through the air vents I managed to get myself lost, and I was sure my new eye lens motor wasn't working as it should, so I kicked through the vent and found myself hanging from the ceiling. I jumped and landed on the floor of a hospital corridor.

"There's no time to stand around jabbering," the man with the robotic voice said in the distance ahead of me, "We clearly detected a simulant ship within the area and in all likelihood he's on board. He can easily snap off our heads and spit down our necks without breaking into a sweat. We'll have no chance against him."

"This is a huge hospital," said another voice, "The chances of us running into him are practically zero."

"We should organise a group in order to stop him," said a creepy weasley voice, "We just need to think of a name. How about the Committee League Infiltration Team Opposing Rogue Insane Simulants? Has a nice ring to it don't you think?"

"Um, sir, I don't think you've thought the name through," replied the robotic voice.

Four figures then turned the corner ahead of me and we all stood facing one another. One of them was cleary human, albiet scruffy with the stench of curry and lager about him. Another was a cat looking like something out of a fashion magazine. The next one was a sanitary droid. Then finally there was a hard light hollogram who I guessed must have been their bodyguard due to his indestructible shell.

I was unarmed, and while the human and the cat were easy pickings I wasn't sure about the other two. I was going to have to bluff my way out of a fight without looking cowardly, at least until I could find a weapon.

"Why are you here aboard this vessel?" I asked them.

"I needed an operation," the scruffy one replied.

"It's not sporting to attack injured prey," I said acting tough, "I will wait until you're fully recovered, we'll fight another day."

"That's fine I'm sure we all agree to that," said the cat.

They all nodded with each other in agreement apart from the hologram.

"I disagree," he said, "There's no point in fighting another day, we need to get this over with right now."

I felt panic as I was sure he was going to activate his hard light skin and attack me, however his next words were perplexing.

"We surrender now," he said putting up his hands.

"Sir," said the droid to the hologram, "You're a smee hee, a complete and total one."


Chapter 5:

It was clear the hologram wasn't as tough as I first thought, in fact quite the opposite. Even without a weapon none of them were a match for me. It was going to be an easy battle.

"Yar!" I yelled holding up my fists.

They all turned and ran. The cat and the hologram were in front, while the droid hobbled in the middle and the one that smelled of curry was having difficulty keeping up lagging behind. I didn't care about them for the hologram was my target.

I swiftly ran past the others and lurched my body at the weasley hologram striking at his back. However it appeared that he was in soft light mode as I fell through him onto a hospital trolley slamming against the floor.

The motor in my eye lens went crazy and started zooming by itself staring at the cat's behind.

"He has his eye on you now sir," the droid said to him.

"Grrr!" I moaned jumping to my feet.

I couldn't give chase with my vision impaired and it was clear I had been outwitted by buffoons. I was going to have to get my eye repaired again and save battle for another day.



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